


Dawn

by Cyrelia_J



Series: Tumblr Drabbles [11]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Brainwashing, Dark, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Julian's parents being awful, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Breakdown, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Torture, conversion therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 10:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15141128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyrelia_J/pseuds/Cyrelia_J
Summary: For the Tumblr prompt fill: Julian's parents come to visit Julian and his husbands Garak and Parmak on Cardassia Prime. To say that it does not go well is an understatement.“This is for your own good.” For Julian, those six words are the cruelest, most terrifying words that he’s ever heard in his life.They're the reason he's in hell.





	Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> Stories like the are the reason that while I'll gladly do prompt fills I don't usually solicit them. I imagine this person wanted something funny and this is not at all funny. It was cathartic to write for me after a bit of a mental rough spot though and I'm not sure who else would want to read it or why but I thought I'd throw it out there. I also know that for some people the idea that something like this would exist in the Star Trek universe is unpalatable and not believable, and I'd like to think that isn't the case too.
> 
> Anyway, there isn't much else I'd add outside the tags except that this is very intense with imagery, emotion, and just the horror that's inflicted on Julian with an ending that you may or may not find brings the proper closure for such a mind fuck. Having said that, if anyone is still on board, thank you for reading.

_“This is for your own good.”_  For Julian, those six words are the cruelest, most terrifying words that he’s ever heard in his life. Kelas had spoken them once to him as a joke, as Julian had protested the unpleasant and tacky Cardassian UV block that was needed by his human skin. They were planning on spending a day at the beach under the hot sun of Cardassia Prime. He had never realized how rarely those words had been spoken to him, how he’d never heard anyone speak them but his parents. He didn’t think it was possible for such an innocuous phrase to have the power to cause such a panic within him. They didn’t make it to the beach that day, and both Kelas and Garak knew not to utter them even in jest. Those six words are the reason that he’s alone now. They’re the precedent words spoken before everything that’s ever taken a bit of him away and ripped it out.

 

They’re the reason that he’s in hell. 

 

_“I wasn’t sure if I ought to mention it, Julian, but your mother had reached out to me. I know how you feel about them and I wasn’t quite sure what to say. I… think they just wanted to be sure that you’re doing well.”_

_“They do. They do and they won’t. You didn’t-”_

_“I let them know I would speak with you first of course.”_

_“Good. That’s good. I know how Cardassians are with family and lord knows if Garak can forgive Tain then you must think it’s ridiculous of me to still not want to speak with them after 4 years.”_

_“It isn’t my place to judge, Julian. As a doctor I can only say that it’s our place to promote healing and if the only way you can heal is to stay away from them then that’s all you need to say to me.”_

_“They… they don’t know where I am, do they?”_

_“No but, I’m afraid they may still find out.”_

 

The “Parallels Healing Center” is an Ambassador class Starship operating under the control of the controversial Parallel Organization. Julian had only remembered a few classmates mentioning the “Anti Interspecies Nutters” passing out propaganda and little baggies of stale cookies just off Starfleet property. None of them ever mentioned anything like this. During his “orientation”, his mentor and “success story” Michael, speaks of the covertly operating center. He explains that the oppressive Federation refuses to host their noble cause, relegating the facility to a ship where they can help their “wayward” clients. Julian demands to know, as he sits in the white room with the white curtains, what “help” it serves him to be kidnapped and separated from his husbands. Michael merely places a warm hand on his shoulder, gives a soft nauseating smile, and tells him he doesn’t recognize the extent of his own illness. 

 

The administrators tell him it’s for his own good when they lead him to an empty room and lock him inside.

Julian starts hyperventilating when they do.

 

Julian doesn’t respond quickly enough to their initial “treatments”, to the flashing images of Cardassians that accompany their “aversion therapy”. Julian laughs at first when the mild shocks begin. He tells them if they’re trying to duplicate the old Ludovico Technique they’re forgetting the nausea induction. He asks them if this is going to cure him of the ultraviolence too. They increase the shocks so that his skin tingles almost constantly. Julian growls through the pain, tugging against the restraints, telling them that they’re wasting their time. He tells them that they’d be better off letting him go before his husbands find him, swearing he won’t be responsible for what happens after that.

They use small metal plates - so cold they burn - that stick to his skin and tear pieces off when they’re ripped free. They increase the duration of the cold until he screams. Julian stops laughing. They cut off his ability to breathe, leaving him to feel like he’s drowning. He loses his voice from the screaming, staring up through the small black window of the “treatment room” hatefully when it begins, and his head is clamped into place. Then the images start to become familiar, and he wonders how they acquired the pictures of Garak and Kelas. He begins to fear that somehow they’ve come to harm… Until he sees them smiling, oblivious to their observers. They tell him that he’s been forgotten. Julian refuses to believe them.

 

A week turns into a month.

He tries harder each time to fight them when they come for him.

A month turns into three.

The images of the monstrous Cardassian caricatures start to invade his dreams.

Julian begins waking up in the middle of the night screaming.

 

_“Ah… ah… there… there pleasssse…”_

_“Here? Like this? I thought you were worried you were going to be late for your shift, Doctor Parmak.”_

_“Tssss… be quiet… don’tstopdon’tstop…”_

_“Mmm I love how you taste… Maybe you’ll… think of me today… during your meeting…”_

_“Oh… oh you’re ssso naughty…”_

_“...did you hear that?”_

_“W-what?... No I didn’t… Oh! The door!”_

_“Can’t be Garak locked out again I’m sure he… Sod, it’s probably that Jala again about the noise.”_

_“I’ll talk to her Julian, though you might want to clean your face.”_

_“Oh god! Right, I’ll be quick about it- wouldn’t want to leave you making apologies for both of us.”_

_“Hah! This is totally your fault you naughty boy… Oh my, she is quite insistent this morning. I’ll be right there!”_

_“Should just answer as you are! S’on her then if you look too scandalous! Kelas, the robe is plenty!”_

_“Julian! Julian it’s… your parents…”_

 

Michael tells him during their weekly “check ins” that it will be easier if Julian allows them to help. Julian has a flash of the Jem’Hadar as they died, blood frothing from their mouths as they chant “obedience is life.” He starts repeating the phrase softly to himself, and finally decides to agree to whatever they wanted to hear. His room is cold. His room is bright. Julian doesn’t sleep much any longer, hearing - in a touch of ironic sadism, he thinks - Beethoven’s Fifth, just loud enough to hear, but low enough to become a constant hammering din in his brain. 

They enter his room every morning, standing over him with their empty smiles. Sometimes it's two. Sometimes it's three. They ask him if he understands why his marriage was so unhealthy, why it was hurting him, and why it's better for everyone that he's come here. He agrees softly the first time. The second he says it more firmly, until at last he parrots back dutifully all of their doctrine. They tell him the aversion therapy was a success. Julian asks them if he might return home, careful to say to his parents and not to his husbands. That’s when Michael tells him that he’s ready to graduate to the next level.

 

When Julian asks why that’s necessary, they reply in a chorus that it’s for his own good.

He thinks he passes out when he hears those words.

 

_“Garak?! Garak, it’s Julian! You want... Mila? She um... just stepped out a moment I promise she’ll be back.”_

_“No! You're lying! Stay back! Don’t touch me, don’t touch me! I said I was sorry and I can’t… I can’t…”_

_“Garak? Garak you have to breathe. Please breathe and… okay, you can put that down I promise it’s just me and- Oh Kelas, thank god, do you have the hypospray?”_

_“Elim? It’s Kelas, do you recognize me?”_

_“It's a flashback Kelas. It's my fault, I shouldn't have-”_

_“Jules? What’s going on, is everything alright?”_

_“Not_ _now_ _mother, please just go back to the guest room and I can explain-”_

_“Elim!”_

_“Nononono you aren’t putting me back there I didn’t… I swear I didn’t… I’m not lying I’m not lying!”_

_“Jules, you should-”_

_“Father, I need to handle this! I told you that you staying wasn’t a good idea. I told you the stress wasn’t going to be helpful to Garak and all you’ve done is spent the entire night bloody needling him now if you both will go the bloody fucking hell back to your room I need to make sure that my husband doesn’t hurt himself!”_

_"But Jules, you're bleeding!"_

_“Julian? I have it Julian, I have it, Elim will sleep now.”_

 

The “treatment room” as named, had given Julian a false sense of security. It had allowed him to believe that it was a singular rather than one of any number of different torture chambers.  They don’t call the next room the “treatment room”, of course. They refer to it, mockingly Julian thinks, as the “meditation room”. The “meditation room” is an anechoic chamber they lead him into and tell him that the quiet will allow him to clear his thoughts. It looks like a strange abstract painting the first time Julian steps inside. He expects to see things spilling forth from the multitude of cracks and crevices, but instead finds nothing but silence when they seal the room behind him. He doesn’t understand the point at first, instead thankful for the pitch black and the quiet.

 

He once read the record for a human remaining in an anechoic chamber without going insane is a few hours.

 

It becomes unbearable after only a few minutes. The room is absolute in its absorption of sound; the only noises are his own body. He doesn’t know what it would sound like to the unenhanced, but he hears everything in his body with such perfect clarity that it terrifies him. He can’t see in the darkness, hearing instead every motion of his joints, the creak of bones, the sound of his lungs, muscle fibers, growing louder and louder in his head, and he swears he can hear every cell in his body moving, can hear the flow of blood like a river. He screams. It hurts his ears, and makes his brain feel like it will explode. He tries to be quiet, so still, still like the dead. It doesn’t work. He holds his breath but that only makes it worse.

Julian misses the pain. He could endure the pain. He can’t endure this. He begs them not to put him back in that place as he starts seeing things in the dark. He sees his parents standing there in the darkness. Sometimes they appear like giants to his child’s self. Sometimes they appear as they had the last time he saw them, older and smaller, but still terrifying enough to make his heart race whenever he looked at them both. His father is the worst, the large head swimming around telling him that he needs to “get better be better”- a favorite phrase of his until it bangs in his head and he finds himself mumbling it even when he’s out of the chamber.

 

“Get better, be better. It’s for your own good.”

 

_“You have no idea how pleased we are to meet with you, Doctor Medek. We weren’t sure who else to turn to with Jules and his home situation.”_

_“Yes, I had received your correspondence. I must admit, I’ve worked with Doctor Bashir for the last year now and I don’t believe I’ve had any cause for concern before now. I might suggest speaking with your son on the matter. Surely, a family matter can be resolved amongst family.”_

_“Believe us, Doctor, if we thought we had another choice. We’re woefully unfamiliar with your customs. We’ve tried to learn all about your fine planet and culture- absolutely brilliant culture you have here!- for our son of course-”_

_“Everything we do is for our Jules and he doesn’t understand that. He refuses to talk to us and this is a_ _dangerous_ _situation that he’s in.”_

_“Oh surely, you must be misunderstanding, Mrs. Bashir. Now I don’t know much about Elim Garak, rumors aside-”_

_“Rumors? What rumors?”_

_“Look, whatever may be in Garak’s past, the work that he’s been doing to rebuild the union is the work of a true patriot. He isn’t the same man any longer and I’ve known Doctor Parmak since I began my residency, and I can assure you that you won’t find a more virtuous man. He’d done a lot of work for the State, to see us through the darker times. I would trust that man with my life.”_

_“You don’t under-”_

_“Amsha please… Doctor Medek, all we’re asking is that he meet with a counselor friend of ours. It would very much set our minds at ease. Surely that’s not too much to ask your help in? He speaks very highly of you, and he trusts your opinion. You know a father only has his child’s best interests at heart.”_

_“Just help set a mother’s mind at ease.”_

_“...alright, I make no promises but  I understand. I’ll do what I can. It always pleases the State for a child to be in harmony with their parents.”_

 

Julian doesn’t know how much time passes. He knows it has to be longer than the last time Garak abandoned him. No, Garak would never do that.  _Again_ , he corrects, Garak would never abandon him again. But that was different. Garak was being deceived by a Changeling. Wasn’t he? Garak lies so much… But Parmak (wait, shouldn't that be Kelas?) doesn’t lie. Even if Garak weren’t to come for him Parmak wouldn’t leave it at that. He fought so hard against the Occupation, against the Central Command, against the Dominion, surely he would fight for Julian too? But what if he’s glad Julian’s gone? What if he finally has Garak to himself without Julian interfering? What if he’s tired of sharing? What if Julian irritates him? What if Garak tells him Julian left? 

 

What if they both think that Julian left them?

 

His room is still cold, but the cold is better than the darkness and that unbearable  _pahthumppahthump_  of his heartbeat pounding. They keep him in the "meditation room" longer, and tell him that he’s recovering nicely when he crawls out shaking. He smiles at them, careful to keep that smile on his face. If he doesn’t smile, they always decide he needs more quiet reflection. He looks at himself in the mirror and realizes that he’s smiling the same as they are. That’s good, he thinks. That’s safe. They won’t put him back in the room if he keeps smiling and softly agreeing. He can lock the rest of it nice and quiet and one day it will… One day he can…

 

_“Julian? You’re not walking home with me tonight?”_

_“I’m sorry, I’ll only be a few minutes. Doctor Medek asked if I might confer with him on a private matter at his home, and he looked so serious I couldn’t say no.”_

_“Ah, he probably thinks he’s got another… oh I shouldn’t say that, but you know he is a bit of a hypochondriac.”_

_“I won’t be long. Tell Garak I’ll be sure to ‘observe everything’ and not let myself get roped into anything without proper compensation.”_

_“I should make you tell him yourself, you know how Elim gets. Mmm, should we wait up for you?”_

_“If you think you can.”_

_“Ha! I’ll have you know that I… I… Julian! I’m sure you’re giving the orderlies a good… sh-show… oh… oh how do you expect me to wait if you’re doing that?”_

_“Think of it as a promise. Don’t start without me and I’ll be back before you know it.”_

_“Alright. Promise.”_

 

Julian doesn't understand why he keeps hearing them when he's alone. He doesn't understand why Garak and Parmak still hover at the foot of his bed every night, and whisper sibilantly like two snakes. He always crawls as far up on the bed as he can, feeling them coming for him, skin crawling, their eyes staring at him blankly. They never move any further but they standing there hissing at him until he shuts his eyes and begs them to stop. Sometimes he asks them why they've left him here. He asks them was he really so terrible to them that they don't want him anymore. He tells them so many times that he's sorry but always stops short of begging them to come for him. He knows that They can still hear and see everything.

 

Julian realizes that his scant meals are being drugged.

He continues eating every bite so that he doesn't have to go back into that room.

 

They finally allow him to sit in with "the group", and he listens to all the empty smiling humans in their gray shirts and pants say how they look forward to reintegrating into proper human society. He doesn't know why, but he asks them softly, tentatively, if they think that Garak and Parmak are better off without him. A frail, blonde woman next to him puts a hand on his shoulder and replies that it is most certainly so. The group nods and Julian nods softly with them.

 

He has no idea how much time has passed.

 

_"Do you think we've made the right choice?"_

_"You asked me that before, darling. We've already been over it."_

_"I know, but he looked so frightened, and I'm afraid they may have been too rough with him. With everything that he's already suffered from that man, Garak, I worry."_

_"Don't worry, love, he's in good hands. The woman I spoke with said they treat a lot of these cases. They'll keep him safe where that Garak fellow won't find him, and they have doctors, therapists, who can help him see how badly he's being hurt."_

_"But still, to not be able to see him-"_

_"It's all for the best. He may not thank us for this, the same as he doesn't thank us for his gifts, but he'll understand."_

_"He may never speak to us again, Richard."_

_"It's the sacrifice every parent has to make, Amsha. It's for his own good, after all."_

 

It's quiet today. Julian doesn't know why, but he doesn't hear the faint whir of the engines as he walks down the hallway towards the group meeting room. The music has stopped as well. He thinks he may see a dimming of the lights. He thinks that there may be a warning sound or some siren blaring instead. He isn't sure that he should pick his head up. They changed something in his usual medicines this morning. They said he could be trusted, that he seemed capable of looking after himself. They told him that they were going to give him his medicine in a little cup instead of mixing it into the applesauce. Julian swallowed it dutifully and returned to his room to work on the large jigsaw puzzle on the floor.

Julian continues his slow shuffle wondering why there don't seem to be any people around. He thinks he may have stepped over something as he approaches the turbolift. He stops in front of it with a tilt of his head wondering why he was going to do that now when he already passed the room. He blinks a few times before turning around. The floor is sticky, he realizes. Julian still isn't allowed shoes so his bare feet stick to whatever deep amber caramel seems to flood everything. He wonders if all that was there a moment ago.

Julian walks back through the blood - blood, right, that's what it is - and backtracks to the room. He's supposed to share what he did today and share his feelings. He realizes as he takes a seat that the lights still don't seem to be properly on. They're not too bright today. He smiles at that, taking a seat in the circle. He isn't sure how he should proceed since he's the only one in the room. Sometimes he wanders in at the wrong time and the room is dark and empty like it is now. Yes, that must be what it is then. He'll go back to his room with his new pills and work on his puzzle until they come for him.

 

That's when he hears his name, and he turns to the doorway.

Oh, he's not alone after all. That's good. Now he can complete his task.

 

"My name is Julian Bashir," he begins softly as he stares at the figure in the doorway rushing towards him. 

It's hard to breathe. It's tight. His shoulder is damp.

"Today was a good day... Today Garak came to visit me."

**Author's Note:**

> Brief note on a bit of inspiration and references from "A Clockwork Orange".


End file.
